Thursday, June 27, 2013

Angry Giraffe Attacks Safari Tourists!

And we always thought Geoffrey the Giraffe was the perfect, non-threatening mascot for Toys 'R Us...

Tourists hoping to get up close and personal with wildlife while on safari in the Kruger National Park in South Africa got a little too close for comfort when a thirteen-foot tall, two & a half ton bull giraffe decided to attack!

Video from the scene shows the tourists enjoying a beautiful day out in the bush, observing the incredible animals and sights the world-famous park has to offer. Suddenly, a male giraffe takes exception to the holiday makers and their tour guide and driver and he starts to charge their open-air jeep!

The jeep takes off, but the cranky giraffe continues his pursuit. He even rams the jeep with his powerful, long neck, which actually does some minor damage to the vehicle, taking out a headlight! The giraffe continues to give chase as the safari tourists excitedly shout out expletives in Afrikaans, before the lumbering beast finally tires and stops in his tracks.

As large as they are, experts say that giraffes can actually run as fast as 35-miles-per-hour, a fairly quick pace! Vets believe a hormonal imbalance might be the cause of the animal's crankiness. Either that, or he just finally got sick of the paparazzo...You can check out the scary attack in the video below:

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Junk Food Resurrection: Twinkies Set to Return Soon!

Junk food enthusiasts now have reason to rejoice...junk food staple Twinkies will be returning to store shelves as of July 15!!!

Late last year, it was thought that the oh-so-scrumptious sponge cake treat with the non-decomposing cream filling was lost to distraught Americans forever when the Hostess manufacturing company filed for bankruptcy after an acrimonious labor strike with Unionized workers.

 The company is now back up and running once again under new ownership and a much leaner financial structure (unlike the people who gobble down their fat-laden treats). The company promises fans that Twinkies will be back on store shelves just in time for summer fairs and carnivals, where Deep Fried Twinkies are considered a delicacy and harden the arteries of citizens everywhere!

The company also promises that the golden sponge treats will taste exactly the same as you remember. The boxes will now feature a witty new tag line "The Sweetest Comeback in History of Ever!" Other popular Hostess products such as Ho Hos and Ding Dongs should follow suit and make their grand returns to grocery stores everywhere over the course of the summer.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Nanu Nanu! English Politician Claims He Fathered Alien Hybrid Child!

We have heard of some interesting sex scandals involving British politicians over the years, but this story is definitely out of this world! 

Simon Parkes, an elected council member for the town of Whitby on the Yorkshire Coast, England, claims that he is the father of an alien/human hybrid daughter named Zarka! Apparently, Parkes knocked some intergalactic boots with Zarka's extraterrestrial mother, whom he refers to as The Cat Queen (Crazy Cat Lady, more likely)Parkes also claims that his real mother is a "nine foot tall green alien with eight fingers" (is that total fingers or fingers on one hand?), according to an interview he gave for an upcoming documentary Confessions of an Alien Abductee for England's Channel Four Network (in an obvious effort to get one over on the BBC when it comes to quality, highbrow entertainment)

The 53-year-old says that he has been receiving random booty calls from his alien friend with benefits about four times a year for a number of years now. Apparently, Parke's human wife (how did he ever land one of those?) isn't too happy about the extra-terrestrial/extra-marital hanky panky, but she has accepted it because the sex is "not on a human level" (We bet!)...

He describes the sexual encounters in a fairly clinical manner: "What will happen is that we will hold hands and I will say 'I’m ready' and then the technology I don’t understand will take us up to a craft orbiting the earth," he told  local online news site The Northern Echo. No word on whether Zarka is expecting any hybrid siblings anytime soon.

You can listen to Parkes give details of his alien love life in the following video (be warned, it's pretty snoozerific, so no sexy, alien porn here!):

Friday, June 14, 2013

Murky Crystal Ball: Texas Psychic Ordered to Pay $7 Million for Bad Prediction

How come she didn't see this coming?

A psychic medium in Texas has been ordered to pay up almost $7 Million US in damages to a Houston area couple after her murky crystal ball churned out some very bad predictions. The bizarre case all began back in 2011 when the alleged psychic Presley "Rhonda" Gridley (who goes by the name of Angel), told authorities she had been having clairvoyant dreams and visions of a mass grave on the property of Houston couple Joe Bankston and Gena Charlton.

Madame Zelda's claims brought about a media frenzy in the city, as at the time there were a series of missing and abducted children in the area. The couple filed suit against Gridley, alleging that she called the Liberty County Sheriff's Office and falsely claimed that 25 to 30 dismembered bodies—including those of young children— were buried in a mass grave at the plaintiffs' residence. The complaint also stated that the defendant's false statements injured the couple's reputation in the community and exposed them to public hatred, contempt, ridicule and grievous financial injury as well as putting their lives in danger.

Judge Carl Ginsburg awarded $3 million in damages to Bankson and $3,849,000 to Charlton, plus 5 percent interest from the date of the occurrence in 2011. Ginsberg found that Gridley had made defamatory statements about Bankson and Charlton when she volunteered false information to the Liberty County Sheriff's Office, claiming that a mass grave containing dismembered bodies was located on the plaintiff's property.

No word on how Grindley is going to conjure up that $7 Million!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Pooper Scooper: Spanish Town Mails Dog Poop Left in Park Back to Owners

The town of Brunete, Spain, is not taking the matter of dog owners who fail to clean up after their pets while using public parks lightly. Now, the negligent dog owners who decide not to scoop up the poop Fido left behind are having the smelly excrement returned to them...via the mail!

Officials in the town outside of the Spanish capital of Madrid have recruited up to twenty Poop Spies to keep watch over the town's open, public areas. When one of the recruits spots a dog owner leaving their pet's Tootsie Rolls behind, they approach them and strike up a conversation, inquiring about the breed of dog as well as the pet's name. In Spain, it is the law to register your pet, so the spies can quickly access the data base and find out the name and address of the pet owner.

Soon enough, the excrement is parceled back to the owner, tagged as a "Lost and Found" item. (No word if the Spanish Post Office charges extra to set the package on fire, ring the door bell and watch from the bushes as the pet owners try to stamp out the hot, smelly mess.) To make things even more embarrassing, the Pooper Scooper Vendetta Gang often film the return of the poop and post in on social media sites.

Directly as a result of the highly unusual campaign, local officials claim that the amount of excrement incidents in the streets have been reduced by at least 70% since being implemented earlier this year.

As Triumph the Insult Comic Dog would eloquently put it, "That's really wonderful...for me to poop on!!!".

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Giant Fluorescent Pink Slugs Discovered In Australia

Australia is world-renowned for its truly bizarre parade of alien-like and deadly creatures: Tiny blue octopi that can kill with the slightest touch, marsupial mammals with a duck bill as well as some of the deadliest snakes and spiders on the planet.

Now, a new species of fluorescent pink slugs has been discovered for the first time, inhabiting a place known to the locals as "Magic Mountain". The day-glo pink invertebrates have been given the official moniker Triboniophorus aff. graeffei, and were only recently discovered living just below the tree line of New South Wales' Mount Kaputar, a 5000 foot (1524 meter) extinct volcano located in the northern part of the Australian state.

Legends and myths of the brightly-hued slimy creatures had actually existed in the region for centuries, but it wasn't until recently that scientists and researchers were able to explore the relatively remote area in depth and discovered that the mythical slugs actually did exist. 

The scientists believe that the fluorescent coloring might actually be a form of camouflage and the species can grow to a length of eight inches (20 centimeters) . The creatures are possibly a relic from a time when Australia was part of a super-continent known as Gondwana. After an eruption of Mount Kaputar occurred over 17 million years ago, a tiny oasis was created where the slugs flourished and were able to survive for millennium, virtually undetected by man.

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