Thursday, December 22, 2011

(Sperm) Bank Foreclosure: FDA Orders Man to Shut Down DNA Factory

"Sperm used to be free. It was all over the place." Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls

The Federal Drug Administration has cracked down on a San Francisco man who opened up his own online sperm depository and sold his samples to couples unable to conceive. 37-year-old Trent Arsenault, claims that he has helped at least 14 couples to become pregnant over the past few years.

The youthful-looking tech worker did however fail to mention one tiny detail to all of his prospective clients: He records himself "extracting" his DNA samples and posts the amateur porn videos online for the world to see on sites such as XTube.  He's also very creative in his use of helpful aids to "bring forth his seed", using interesting objects such as a water polo ball and a frozen bag of blueberries to "spank his monkey".

Arsenault claims part of his goal was to "help the 99 percent who can't afford to visit an expensive sperm bank", taking his cue from the Occupy Wall Street zeitgeist. Arsenault is dedicated to his profession, drinking only healthy, sperm-inducing fresh fruit smoothies for breakfast to help boost his little swimmers count.

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